at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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