Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
