well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
