That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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