Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
