dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
