Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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