last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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