I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I feel like abortions should bother me more
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize