found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
