i just snorted my name. best moment ever
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
