o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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