i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
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