I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
