He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
