My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
