you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
