I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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