I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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