Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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