You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
