probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
