I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
