Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
