i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
