More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize