take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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