If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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