God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
time to smoke my breakfast
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
There's always time for handjobs
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
