I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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