Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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