I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
