Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think my vagina is haunted
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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