he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
