Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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