Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize