So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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