Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
