It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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