If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just invented taco cereal.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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