I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
