Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize