JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
