I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
