Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
