Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
People in love make me want to vomit
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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