My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
