i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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