I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
