a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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