I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The power of my boobs compel you
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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