Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
3pm strippers are depressing
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
