I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
