Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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