Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
