she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
