I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
