BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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