Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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