It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
