Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
