whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
