hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
