what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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