Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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