Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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